Blank Canvas

2020.
A blank canvas.
A new beginning.
New Dreams.
New Goals.
New Directions.
New Mindset.

Pure honesty.... 2019 was one of the best years of my life, and one of the hardest. It was full of personal joys and moments of great pride in watching my husband and children achieve huge milestone accomplishments. And I helped them all. I am so proud of them, and proud of my part in it all. Being a wife and mom is my heart's greatest desire and my life's greatest joy and fulfillment.  But the artist and writer in me was all but suffocated to death. My hands were incapable of holding a paintbrush or a pencil for most of the year. For that matter, I couldn't cut meat or chop vegetables for meal preparations either. 2019 may be labeled, "The year of the pizza" in our house. Arthritis sucks.  And my kind of arthritis (psoriatic) is unpredictable. It travels. Some years, it's my legs and feet. Some years it's my jaw and hips. It is always my back. And in 2019, it was my hands. I was pissed. Mad at myself wondering if I had taken my gifts for granted, and may never be able to work again. Mad at God because through this whole arthritis journey, I was always willing to adapt, change styles, change directions, learn new ways to still grow and create. Why my hands? But deep down inside, that didn't last. I have always trusted that God allows certain things to happen at certain times because we have other areas to work on and other directions we would not explore if not for the challenges. 2019 was no different. It wasn't my year. Not my year to be an artist. It was a year to be a rock for my husband and kids. I helped my husband launch a new career, which he is rocking. I helped one daughter achieve her goal of becoming a black collar/fully certified martial arts instructor. I helped another daughter achieve her goal of becoming a staff member as a junior instructor at age 14. I helped our youngest son achieve his goal of becoming a 1st Degree black belt at 10 years old. We did it all. And suddenly.... my hands have begun to work again. 

I'd be lying if I said it wasn't frustrating. I don't like starting again a year behind where I know I should be. I know I need to work harder, paint more, knock louder and harder on doors I've avoided in the past. And my past is rapidly becoming a much longer road than my future. The clock is not my best friend. But that's ok. Maybe my legacy to my kids will be an example of perseverance and "it's never too late."  All I know is I learned late in life that there is a formula to success in all things. And I want more than anything to be an example to my children that any dream can come true if you're willing to follow that formula. I was given the "gift" of being told "those things are for other people."  I want that to die. I want my children to know that they were born with everything they need, and it's up to them to make it happen, no matter what each of their dreams may be. 2020 is the year that 4/6th of my children are adults! I think that affords me a little more "me" time. A little more growth, work, focus, and...... looking those fears straight in the eye, and saying, "Here I am. Show me the next fear. That's where I want to head." 

Off to a good start. After a year of not working, I renewed my membership with the lovely Blackstone Valley Art Association, and entered my first show for the second weekend of the year! I'm not ready. But that's ok. I'm doing it anyway!  Here we go, 2020!!! A blank canvas, ready to be filled with the most beautiful, vulnerable, fierce parts of me.