Self Portraits...

 

It's the darndest thing, you know? When you start out to paint one thing and end up painting another. This particular work came about via a class I took on abstract landscapes. You can clearly see how that turned out. LOL. That's the thing about being an artist. The mind can have plans. But the heart needs to travel a certain journey that cannot be denied. Sometimes you want to start in a new direction. But there's a story that still needs to be told. And an artist who doesn't express an untold story will keep revisiting in one way or another until it is told.  So many stories. 

When I first started this "abstract landscape", it was clear it was going to take a different route via a more modern style. ok. Been wanting to explore that too. Then.... a face started to appear. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!? WHY CAN'T I LEAVE FACES BEHIND?  I'm not going to abandon them! I just want to visit another corner of my creative mind for a while!!!  When I first started her, she was a little girl. PlAyFuL and FrEe!  But she aged right in front of my eyes. Not old. Just wise. Worn. But happy. Finding herself. Loving herself, not in spite of her brokenness and pain, but because of it. Because where she is split open she lets love pour out... still. 

I finished her, and just kept looking at it. One by one my husband and kids commented. "She reminds me a little of you, mom." "Your birthday is on there." "Your favorite colors." "It's black and white, but colorful too." "Love." "Layers." (Some hidden. Some revealed.) "She looks like you, but... maybe with a little Jewish twist?" LOL. Love that one. My alter ego is Jewish. Well... one of them. 

She is me. She is all of the above and secrets too. She's been hurt. She's grown. She's learned. She's broken and more together than she's ever been. She's learned some lessons too late, and others just in time. But is it ever too late when a woman has daughters to share the lessons with? They know. They've taught me more in these past few years than I ever taught them. They're right. They've always been right. THE DAUGHTERS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT. That's what the woman in this painting knows. It's what she wants to scream to the world. But the world won't hear. So, like so many other painted women, she smiles a half smile. Just knowing. And passing that knowing on. To daughters. And painters. And scribblers. And poets. And thieves. And all the other lost and founds along the way. 

Happy Birthday to me. And to you. May each of our self portraits know a little more than the one before.